Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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