Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
