my mouth tastes like poor choices
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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