my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
