so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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