I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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