Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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