The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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