Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
