got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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