maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
