I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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