Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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