This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
