he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wear drunk well.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
