there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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