I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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