Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
