Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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