My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
