i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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