Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
