She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
