when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
