I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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