You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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