i wish my penis had a tongue
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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