I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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