apparently the secret to your success is patron
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
