My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
