I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
porn star boner night. come get it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
