Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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