I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How does it feel to date your dad?
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