guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
