woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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