Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
