I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
