News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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