I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
