just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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