You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
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Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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