wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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