I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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