So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
