my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
