Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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