I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
