About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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