HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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