Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
