Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
