I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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