some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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