after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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