I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
