Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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